My partner is away for business, and it’s the first night we’ve slept apart in quite some time. Usually when they’re here, I go to bed early—around midnight or 12:30. They expect me. It’s a thing we have.
But last night I stayed up until 3:30 AM. I found this amazing new series, and I was having such a good time, having my drink and smoke and being free to do what I want to do. I was thinking, so what if I sleep less? I can still work tomorrow. It’s not like I’m a surgeon or something. Just let me enjoy this night I have all for myself, make up for some lost time with my TV.
Eventually I had to do the responsible grown-up thing and go to bed—also because I got so tired I started having a headache.
Going to bed, I had to leave a light on. Not something we do when we’re together. They like it completely dark; I always like it lit, but I make this compromise. Although waking up to the morning sun fills my heart with love. But so are relationships—full of compromises.
The Weight of Loneliness
My head was spinning in bed. I was thinking of all these habits and how different it is when I’m alone. My mom popped up in my head—I had just watched a video she sent from the beach—and tears went down my cheeks.
How lonely must she feel? Forty-five years with the same person and now all alone. No hobbies, no friends, only some close family. “Family stays forever,” they say… Hmm, that’s for another article, I guess. Note to self.
I felt all of this loneliness during all those years that I was single. So deep in my core. Even if I was busy and with a lot of people during the day, my nights would be filled with the void inside me. I always stayed up late watching TV—it was my friend, family, lover. Going to bed with light and waking up with it was comforting, like a warm kiss from a loving one.
Being sick way too often, the need to be taken care of. Yes, yes, I’m already many years into therapy. And yes, I know this all comes from childhood. So fucking what? How long will I still carry this shit with me? Isn’t it enough already?
A Different Perspective
And then I thought of the beach video, which actually brought all these feelings up for me. All these memories of being places and not even thinking about other people—the people who actually cared for me. Not calling, never keeping contact, forgetting (i do miss you every day- the lost time and how now you are gone for ever, that is also for another article i guess..)
Loneliness swallows a person up and leaves them in a very dark space where nothing is visible anymore. I felt it in my skin and felt so sorry for her.
But then I realized: it’s about hobbies! It’s about being engaged! Sometimes we have to push ourselves. If being with others is too much, then do something that makes you happy.
I bought this Dremel recently, and I’m so excited to use it. I thought to myself that being somewhere alone doesn’t mean being alone actually, if you can keep yourself occupied and interested in something. Curious and ready for new experiences. And the rest will follow.
Why I bought the Dremel though—that’s yet another discussion, I suppose.
Moving Forward
For now, this was my lunch break, and I should probably get back to work. I do look forward to using my Dremel soon, carving some wood and creating something with my hands. And before that, I will text a couple of friends who I haven’t spoken to in a long time!
Till next time, be happy and give zero moos.